If I were a CEO – Part 1

I am CEO of little people.  I give instant feedback on their behavior, their work ethic, their social etiquette, their dinner skills, and their potty time.  I am a chauffeur and an art teacher, a home decorator, a bedtime guru and a cook.  Add to this list an million other expectations and skills, and lack there of, and I accumulate a lot of HR worthy moments.  If I were a real CEO (you know, the kind that makes actual money) the following statements would go directly to HR for review.  In my house, they are followed by a giggle, an eye roll, a little time out and most likely a post or 2.

Other people should NEVER see you naked. In our house naked children are such a commonplace occurrence, that often the little people just forget they aren’t wearing clothes, or at least that’s what I hope is the truth.

It’s not healthy for other people to suck on your nose.  Today I said this twice.

Q: Why is every pair of your underwear wet and in the middle of the room?   A: Because I wanted to wash my clothes like an old person.

Why is your toothbrush floating in the toilet?  Our toddler has a serious toothbrush addiction.

In our house we bath alone.  Does Barbie really need 7 friends in the bathtub with her?  That. is. all.

Please stop kissing my feet.  1. Because it feels weird.    2. Because I’m trying to walk.

Q: Why is there underwear hanging from the ceiling fan?   A: I wanted to see if they worked as a slingshot.

Q: Who took apart the tape measure and put it together with duck tape?   A: I just wanted to see how long it was, all the way out, and I couldn’t get it back in.

I think it’s time we have some rules about kissing.   This happened after she kissed the neighbor’s cat (and my feet).

It’s “Jungle boogie” not “Chocolate boogie.”  And a million other incorrect song lyrics.

Q:  Is there someone in the closet moo-ing?   A:  We locked Big Sis in there and she’s pretending to be in a barn.

So you can open child proof medicine bottles, but not your own Go-gurt?  Kids are amazing at doing the impossible, as long as it is sure to injure themselves or someone else.  But to actually accomplish something useful, they are helpless.